Dear Next Door Neighbor:

I know you have lived a long and full life and that you are only trying to "share" your life experience with the neighborhood children.

I'm certain that when you come out of the house screaming and yelling like a sailor on leave because a small child stepped foot on your grass...it's truly because you are trying to teach them to appreciate nature.

Without a doubt the neighborhood kids understood when they brought you cookies and handmade cards that, "Leave me the Hell alone!" really meant thank you.

Even more so dear neighbor, thank you for allowing the neighborhood kids to come rake your leaves this past Fall. I loved watching 6 helpful children be berated for raking the "wrong" way. I never knew how much I had failed as a parent until you pointed out that even a monkey could rake leaves. And by the way...thank you's are so over rated!

It must really be a hardship to live in such a caring neighborhood where we all watch out for each other.

I'm flabbergasted at why you have no visitors on Halloween! Perhaps next year you could try giving the children candy instead of telling them that Halloween and "treats" are for children whose parents don't care about them.

Maybe next year you could dress up for the holiday. You know a witch, or a vampire...something less frightful.


See you at the block party when you bring the police escort! Take care now.

AM

Dear Crayola:

Thank you so much for providing our children such amazing tools to express their creativity.

I know it simply wasn't enough to offer our children the standard box of crayons. No, that would be boring.

So glad your wonderful team of inventors wanted to give kids something more...and something every parent would "adore"!

The Crayola Crayon Maker is top notch. How novel of an idea!

Watching my 8 year old shave her crayons into bits and pieces so that she can make more crayons is priceless!

Making a toy that requires adult supervision from at least 5 adults and visits from the Fire Department is ingenious!

You guys must be closely related to the Easy Bake Oven people. An oven for crayons and hot wax for our kids! Wow! You guys are bloody brilliant!

I'm sure the 2nd degree burns provided by this wonderful invention are simply a hazard of the trade. Nothing a little aloe vera can't cure, right?

I'm watching the market very closely for the melted, gooey, waxy, crayon carpet stain remover! I'm sure you are working on it as I type this letter!

This gift is honestly just "too" creative for this household. Please accept the return...I am sure you can re-gift it.

Thanks,

AM

Dear Parking Lot Dude:

I just had to thank you for the lovely parking lot experience we "shared" this weekend.

I always make a point to wait in my SUV, with the blinker on, waiting for a parking space to become available just so that you can zip up and have it.

I have nothing better to do on a rainy Sunday other than sit and hold parking spots for great guys like you.

I'm quite certain that even though it was pouring down rain, my big car must have been hard to see from your little Mazda.

I especially liked the way you gave me the bird after I honked at you. Your Momma raised a southern gentleman no doubt about it!

Never mind you that my daughter and I ended up having to park out in the North 40 and that we got soaked to the bone on our way into the grocery store.

I always enjoy having my 8 year old soaking wet and inside a store that's BLASTING the A/C!

I am sure the cough she has will disappear soon at least that's what all of the doctors tell me. (Please see enclosed medical bills)

I was very sad to see you struggling to get into your car on our way out of the store. I guess you were really attached to that space. I'm really gald you got it.

Thanks again!

AM

Dear Ford:

I really love my Ford Explorer. Even more I love the wonderful mailings you send me every so often since my purchase.

I think it's great that you inform me of all the recent recalls. I never knew that a car could have so many defects. The sales guy must not have been in the loop when he sold me this peach of a car.

I'm not sure what a "do-hickey" is, or a "something or another valve", and apparently the guys at the dealership don't either.

I'm sure it's okay if I keep driving this car without the recalled items being repaired right? If not I'm sure you have great insurance for my family members.

I anxiously await the whole car recall that I am certain is on it's way soon.

I'm so glad I didn't purchase that reliable foreign car I was thinking of buying. I am sure they would have no need to mail me anything and then I'd feel unloved.

Thanks for making such a great American product. Ya'll rock!

AM

Dear Miscellaneous Bar Guys:

Thank you so much for making a single girl, waiting for her friends, at a bar feel so welcome!

I love it most when you assume I am just a lonely, lonely girl looking for a "date" and in need of your uplifting company!

I am quite certain when you offer to buy me a drink and I say, "No thank you." that I must be kidding.

I really enjoy your witty pick up lines and your "charm"! I am truly laughing on the inside.

Please feel free to talk on and on...even while I am on my cell phone begging my friends to get here and save me! It's not you I need "saving" from...it's that cold beer in front of me that I have been looking forward to ALL WEEK LONG!

Keep up the good work. I can't believe you are still single. It's just a mystery to me.

Rock on dude...perhaps at a bar that I don't frequent. I hear the girls over at that "other" bar are in dire need of your company.

AM

Dear Victoria's Secret:

I love your store and I love your products. I fear I love them to the point of addiction.

I appreciate you sending 25 catalogs a week to an underwear/lingerie addict. It's truly helping me beat my illness.

Never mind that I am starting to place the items I order in the garage, unopened because there's no FREAKING room for them in my house anymore. That's normal, right??

Every girl should have a room totally decorated with "unmentionables". I'm sure Martha Stewart would agree. I'm going to write her a letter next!

It's okay that my house looks like a Victoria's Secret model exploded in it. RIGHT?? RIGHT??

My boyfriend has gone from "turned on" to "freaked out". I'm sure that's happening everywhere.

Please for the love of GAWD, help a sister out. Please stop sending me the temptations I cannot resist. Thanks.

AM

P.S. Next catalog is in the mail, right?

Dear Jiffy Lube:

I wanted to thank you for the "personal" service I received at your establishment last month.

I love it when your guys change my oil and then try to tell me I need $500.00 worth of other crap for my 1 year old car. I'm sure this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a WOMAN!

I never knew that the oil change came with the BONUS of having your crew look up my skirt, while the "Oil" dude shows me my Air Filter.

You give service with a smile, and I am glad to be the woman to give it you.

Thanks Guys!

AM

Dear Miss. Pharmacist:

I love coming to get my prescriptions filled from you. You are so detail oriented when giving instructions in your lovely "Stadium" voice on how to use my medicines.

My favorite is when you pull out my Birth Control Pills and explain all the things I should and shouldn't do while taking them.

I have been taking these pills for 15 years, but I am so glad to have you remind me and all of the customers around me...how to properly take this pill.

I only have one child, and I am quite certain if it weren't for you and your detailed instructions I'd have 20 by now!

Thanks for all of your helpful "education". And thanks for the stares I get from the 80 year old men and women as I leave.

Feeling like a Hussy in public is every girls dream. Thanks.

Don't go changing now.

See you next month!

AM

Ok, I am starting this Blog on the advice of fellow "Streamer" BlackNapalm. I already have a blog at Misadventures of a Single Mom...but this one is different.

This blog will be dedicated to all of the "Clever" People out there that I want to thank and write letters too. Hope ya'll enjoy.

Letter #1

Dear Makers of Easy Bake Oven:

I just had to write and thank you for creating the Easy Bake Oven. How clever of you to use the word "Easy" in it's name.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for all the "Creations" that this wonder machine has brought to my taste buds!

As a matter of fact, I am sending a batch of such creations to your Executive Lunch Room. Please enjoy. (The queasiness wears off in a few hours and I have enclosed bottles of Pepto as well)

I felt so in debt to you that I came up with my own invention...The Easy Bake People Oven. I'm sending it to you and your people for testing.

Thanks,

AM

Letter#2

Dear Head Lady of PTA:

It's such a pleasure working with you on school projects for our children. I wanted to personally thank you for reminding everyone at our meetings that I am a "Single" Mom!

I truly enjoy all of the glares and whispers from all of you "REAL" Moms. It gives me the warm and fuzzies!

I really wish I too could sit around all day cutting paper, coloring, gluing stuff, planning to plan, etc... Yet, as you already know I am "SINGLE" and sadly have a job. I wish PTA paid.

I do promise however to be available for all the crappy stuff you guys don't want to do. And since it's apparently not enough for you to know where I LIVE and to have my home number I am enclosing my cell phone number, fax line, office numbers and work address!

See you soon. Toodles!

AM

Dear Ex-Mother-In-Law:

It's such a personal joy knowing you. How very BLESSED I am that you are still in my life 7 years after my divorce.

Nothing brightens my days like a conversation with you. I love it most when you remind me that I LEFT your son, but how much better off he is for it. It makes me wanna hug you!

Yes, I know you believe Divorce is a sin and that I am going to Hell. (Have I told you how much I love repetition?) I am just so very glad that the Pope pardoned your son so that he is exempt from my terrible fate.

Thanks for the self-help book you sent me for Christmas. You somehow always seem to know what I need. You're a diamond in the rough. Every girl should have an EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW like you!

Hugs and Kisses,
AM